Moving with children
We stress careful planning in every
section of this Web site, but at no time is planning more important than
when children are involved in a move. From the top, we want to add two other
"musts" to careful planning: consistent communication and continual
inclusion of all family members in the moving process. Let's look at some
age-related considerations first, and some suggestions on how to deal with
them.
Pre-school children live in very short
time frames, dominated usually by either "now" or "in a minute." By
contrast, school children from grades 2 and up are very aware of weeks and
months, vacation days and spring or fall breaks. Elementary children begin
to enlarge their world beyond the family by sleepovers, team sports and club
activities. By 3rd or 4th grade, close same-gender friendships have formed
and many children are beginning to establish their own identity within
academic, social, sports or club activities, achievements and
relationships.
In spite of the evidence that elementary
aged children who have moved before are generally better adjusted and more
adaptable to change than children who have never moved, you can expect some
initial resistance to a move from your well socialized children. By
expecting resistance you can plan on dealing with it.
Teens, especially those of high school
age, are likely to be significantly more disturbed by the thought of
interrupting their social, sports or academic interests, for the sake of the
family's move. Public and private high schools with good academic standings
and a high annual percentage of college acceptances, automatically breed
pride and promise into their students. Without adequate information on the
school to which they are moving, some students fear the move may hurt their
chance for admission to the college of their choice.
Children of all ages are apt to use
"black or white" thinking relative to the move, particularly if they have a
large circle of good friends now. Moving will be bad, bleak, black with no
possible shades of gray, for them. The opposite may well be true when
children have few or no close friends nearby.
What to communicate when! Experts
recommend an immediate disclosure of the upcoming move to all family members
to provide each person with adequate time to adjust to the idea. One
caution. Parents need to know enough about the new community or neighborhood
to sensibly answer important initial questions from their children. Parents,
do your initial research immediately. Anticipate sports, academic,
religious, and community-related questions based on the activities in which
your children are currently engaged. What are the schools like and where are
they located relative to your potential new home or neighborhood? How do
their new schools compare with current schools?
Kids need to feel a sense of stability
and purpose in the move. Why are you moving? How will the move benefit the
children? Sure, the company transferred Dad or Mom, but why do the kids have
to "suffer" as a result of a parental transfer?
Children also need to buy into the
moving process and be recognized as an important part of the family's move.
A good place to start is with feelings. Tell them yours first, honestly,
positive and negative, and encourage them to share their feelings no matter
whether good or bad. Most of all, be absolutely honest. Don't beat around
the bush.
High school juniors and seniors need to
know different things about the new town than their younger, elementary
siblings. Find a way and an appropriate time to provide all the information
each child needs along with time for the child to respond with their own
feelings about the move. Many communities provide printed materials on
school systems, town facilities, recreational opportunities and maps of the
surrounding countryside. Ask for every brochure offered and make them
available to all family members.
Once your children know about the move,
your move-related communications job is not over, but has only just begun.
Expect varied reactions from your children over time, as they tell their
friends and begin to think or fantasize about their new community. Try rap
sessions in which pre-teen and/or teenage children talk about the move among
themselves and clarify among other things the reasons why you are making the
move, where the family is moving, what its advantages and opportunities are,
when will each of the move-related events take place (selecting, organizing,
packing, moving out/in, etc.) and how the children can stay connected with
their current friends through visits, etc.
One way to gain active participation
from your children is to involve them in every possible move-related
decision: house-hunting in the new neighborhood; room selection, color
scheme, etc; what to dispose of pre-move, and how; packing special toys and
keepsakes; marking special boxes for their own room; and change of address
forms or labels for children to give to their close friends. Take lots of
pictures inside and outside the new home for decorating, furnishing,
remodeling and other pre-move planning activities. Your children will be
happy to share pictures of their new home with their friends, helping them
to become enthusiastic about their move.
Experts tell varied stories about the
best time of year to move. Many frequent movers have completed real estate
transactions during the spring months to capitalize on summer vacation
months for the move. But summer is not the only time to move. Moves made
during the school year have advantages also. Preteens and teenagers will be
integrated immediately into their new school and make friends more quickly.
When summer vacation comes, teens already have new friends with whom to
enjoy their summer vacation.
Consider all family members as you
answer the "when to move" question. Learn about the school schedule in your
new community. By all means make sure current school records are requested
in time for completion and transfer before your children enter their new
schools.
All family members will want their
medical records to follow them to the new community but with children,
availability of medical records is vital, particularly for school entry. Ask
your current pediatrician to refer you to a pediatrician in your new
community. And by all means take copies of all of your medical records with
you in a well marked package or carton. Finally, check the moving charts in
this issue for reminders of key actions and decisions you will want to make
before actually making the move.
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